The Truth About Self-Sabotage (and Trauma)

Have you ever heard anybody say that when things start going well for them, that they start to self-sabotage or get in their own way?

Maybe they’re in a healthy relationship that has been stable for some time and then they somehow end up cheating causing the relationship to end. Now they’ve lost their partner and they don’t even understand why they did what they did.

Or maybe they’ve been excelling at work, getting praise from superiors, and they’re in line for a promotion, but then all of a sudden, they start procrastinating tasks and can’t seem to find the motivation to do more than the bare minimum anymore ultimately leading to them getting passed over for that promotion.

As a counselor, that treats trauma, I hear these kinds of scenarios all the time. Most of my clients that say they self-sabotage are also experiencing frustration towards themselves because they behave in ways that they don’t understand yet.

Here’s the truth…self-sabotage isn’t actually a thing.

As humans, we are survival beings, which means that we are designed to continue existing despite hardships or difficult conditions. Our brains are wired to help us adapt and overcome whatever life throws at us.

The brain that is wired to survive can’t also be wired to self-destruct.

Self-Sabotage is actually Self-Protection in disguise.

Sabotage doesn’t mean that your brain is actually trying to get in your way, what it actually means is that your brain senses danger ahead.

It doesn’t mean there actually is a threat to your survival, but for some reason your brain has identified one and then acts accordingly (i.e., gets you out of the situation). 

When your brain senses danger, it’s going to do whatever it has to in order to avert that situation even if it destroys relationships or potential job promotions in the process.

Your brain doesn’t want to hurt you, it wants to keep you alive.

This is where we see a difference between the intent and the effect. Your brain’s intent is to keep you alive, but the consequences can still be devastating to you.

Self-Protection may be keeping you safe, but it can still interfere with your relationships or cause your career to stall.

When these types of life changes occur, clients often feel frustrated and confused, unsure why they made certain choices.

The Confusion Behind Self-Sabotage.

Whenever you experience confusion by your own decisions, choices, or behaviors, this is a signal that there is currently a misalignment between your conscious and subconscious minds. They are acting independently of each other instead of in unison.

Your conscious mind wants a healthy, stable relationship, but somehow that feels threatening to your subconscious mind. It might have a fear of abandonment so it causes you to make the decision to cheat (which ends the relationship), but the relationship ending reduces the risk of you being abandoned by your partner (since your behavior caused the relationship to end already).

Or your conscious mind wants to get that work promotion, but your subconscious is afraid that you’ll choke with the added responsibilities, so it causes you to procrastinate so that you don’t get the promotion, which then protects you from potential failure.

How Therapy Can Help.

Working with a therapist can help you heal self-sabotage on multiple levels. On the surface, it can help you cope with and process any emotions that you have towards yourself because your survival brain caused you to engage in behaviors that ultimately caused you or others harm.

Therapy can also help you go deep enough to identify what your subconscious mind felt threatened by in the first place. This awareness allows you to recognize your patterns and make different choices, even when your survival brain is trying to protect you.

Trauma Counseling can offer you support and guidance as you identify your survival patterns. Feel free to ask questions or schedule a session with me using the button below.