Underneath Anxious Attachment
As a counselor that works with clients experiencing anxiety, this is something I hear a lot when they talk about their relationships “I have an anxious attachment style.”
What is Anxious Attachment
When someone has an anxious attachment style (pattern), they tend to have a deep fear of abandonment or rejection by others.
They often have low self-esteem or low self-worth which causes them to view and treat others with a higher form of respect than they show themselves.
Anxious Attachment in Relationships
When someone has an anxious attachment, they tend to be hyperfocused on their relationships with others. Consciously or subconsciously, they worry about losing this person and go out of their way to avoid any perceived or real sense of loss.
They may frequently reach out to their partner for reassurance and then feel guilty about being so “needy.”
They may find themselves hyperaware of their partner’s behaviors/moods and react to any slight change with intense anxiety.
Anxious Attachment and Control
Because someone with an anxious attachment is outwardly focused, they tend to be more focused on how their partner shows up in the relationship rather than focusing on how they themselves show up.
They may become hyper-critical of their partner, label them as avoidant, and get easily frustrated when their needs aren’t met.
Anxious Attachment and Emotions
For someone with an anxious attachment, their internal world tends to feel unstable. They feel stable when things are going well within their relationship and unstable when there is a fight, their partner forgets to say goodnight, or their partner just seems off (even if they logically know it has nothing to do with them).
Their emotions become dependent on the stability of their outer world (or relationship).
The Mental Spiral
When they feel anxious, they tend to fixate, over-analyze, and ruminate. They get stuck in their heads and worry about what’s going to happen next while also desperately trying to get reassurance from their partner.
Self-Abandonment
Here’s the messy truth that underlies having an anxious attachment. If you’re someone that has an anxious attachment style, then deep inside, you’re actually self-abandoning.
There are parts of you that you either hear and don’t listen to or parts of you that are so hidden you’re not aware of them at all anymore.
You become so focused on how others feel that you forget to check-in and honor your own feelings.
Avoidance in Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment often shows up as anxiety in you relationships with others and avoidance in the relationship with yourself. You tend to avoid your own emotions or anything that makes you uncomfortable.
When uncomfortable emotions rise up, you do something to distract yourself. Watch TV, play a video game, call a friend. Anything so that you don’t have to actually be present with yourself (or for yourself).
Can I Change My Anxious Attachment?
Attachment style isn’t permanent, it is flexible, and it is something you can work on. With an anxious attachment, the focus is on creating a real connection with yourself and learning to hold space for your own emotions (without running from them). This process helps you teach yourself that you are someone that you can count on when things get rough. It creates self-trust which helps you navigate other relationships with less anxiety.
How Therapy Can Help Anxiety and Anxious Attachment
Working with an anxiety counselor can help you examine your inner world and identify the ways in which you are abandoning yourself. It can help you reconnect with the parts of you that need your own attention. If you have questions about anxiety therapy or would like to book a session with me, please use the Contact Me button below.
