Should You Come Out?
A unique challenge that exists for many members of the LGBT+ community is deciding whether they want to be open about their identity or sexual orientation with others (friends, family, colleagues, etc).
While individuals that identify as cisgender or straight don’t typically have to navigate this same process because their identity matches with society’s assumptions about who they are.
Why Do Individuals Come Out?
Individuals that decide to be openly themselves are often focused on living their life in alignment and from a place of authenticity. They want to be themselves and are willing to risk potential rejection in order to live life in a way that feels good to them.
These individuals likely have resources internally or externally. Internally, they may have a strong sense of self and ability to take care of themselves in the face of rejection. Externally, they may have at least some people in their lives that are accepting of their true selves.
Why Do Individuals Stay in the Closet?
Individuals that choose to stay in the closet may be concerned about judgment, rejection, or abandonment from others. They may be concerned about being mistreated or harmed in some way because of their identity. It may feel safer to them to hide who they really are.
They may also be experiencing internalized shame towards themselves related to their identity.
Examining the Parts
When someone is debating about whether to come out, there is most often an internal debate between parts of you.
Most people don’t 100% want to come out or 100% want to stay in the closet. There are parts of them that want to come out and there are parts of them that want to stay hidden.
Parts that want to come out often have goals of connection and living authentically.
Parts that want to stay hidden often have goals of protection and self-preservation.
No Bad Parts
None of your parts are right or wrong, bad or good, they’re just different from each other. When parts exist inside you that have different goals (coming out vs. staying hidden), it likely causes you to get stuck because you can’t decide.
One day coming out feels right and the next day staying hidden makes more sense to you. You continue bouncing back and forth between the extreme parts so no decision actually gets made about what you want to do.
Can I Make One of These Parts Disappear?
Our goal is not to make any part of you disappear or be silenced. Every part of you is valuable simply because it exists.
When you’re making a big decision, it’s a normal part of the process to have an internal conflict. Your brain is trying to consider all scenarios so it can make an informed decision.
Your job is to understand all your parts. Get to know them, understand what their goals/values are, and then decide if those goals/values align with who you really want to be.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy for LGBT+ can help you examine the different parts of yourself. It can help you gain understanding for the part(s) of you that want to be open about your identity and the part(s) of you that feel safer hiding. The more you understand about all your parts, the more clarity you have to make the decision that is ultimately right for you.
Therapy is not here to decide for you, but to support you in making your own decision. If you have questions about working with a LGBTQ+ Friendly Therapist or would like to book a session with me, please use the Contact Me button below.
