Hot Take: Coping Skills are Cringe
I know, I know that sounds like a wild thing for a counselor to say, but hear me out—
Coping skills are like band-aids.
If you’re cutting vegetables and accidentally nick your finger, what’s the first thing you do? Grab a band-aid, put it on your finger, and finish cooking.
The band-aid is intended as a short-term fix. It is there to cover and protect your wound, BUT it doesn’t actually heal it.
To really address the wound, you need to spray hydrogen peroxide on it, use antibiotic ointment, and monitor it for signs of infection.
Coping skills, like deep breathing and grounding exercises, are absolutely essential when you are in the heat of a crisis. But they are still band-aids. They are used to get us through the challenging situation, not to heal us from it.
When we have a cut on our finger, ultimately our goal is that it heals, right? We don’t want to have to wear a band-aid forever.
If we don’t address the wound, just put a band-aid on, and leave it-eventually the band-aid is going to fall off. Only when it falls off, it will be exposing an open wound since we never actually did the work to clean it out or help it to heal.
The same thing will happen if you rely on coping skills as your only tool for peace.
When we treat coping skills as the be-all, end-all of healing, we are bypassing doing the deeper level work. It causes people to avoid facing themselves and the depths of their own pain. It causes them to ignore their own emotions. And it separates them from who they really are on a soul level.
On top of that, clients often get frustrated when they use coping skills and they don’t “work.” If this has happened to you, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing the coping skill wrong, most likely you’re just using them at the wrong time or for the wrong thing.
When you get triggered, absolutely use your coping skills. BUT after the intensity of the emotion or panic has worn off, come back home to yourself and do some self-reflection.
Here are some reflection questions that will help you clean out the wound and create connection within yourself. True healing happens through this self-connection.
What physically happened in your body during the time that you were triggered? (i.e., heart racing, sweaty hands, fast breathing, etc)
What thoughts came up?
What emotions did you experience?
What about that event was triggering for you?
What are other times that you have felt that same trigger?
What caused you to feel unsafe during the event?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They are designed to help you develop a curiosity about yourself and help you to honor your own experience.
My work with clients is aimed at real healing not just coping. I help clients explore why triggers are triggering, understand exactly what is happening within their nervous system when they are activated, and teach them how to intentionally signal safety to their nervous system.
So if you’re done relying on coping skills and feel ready to do the deeper level work-I’d love to connect! You can use my Contact Form to book a free 15-minute phone consult. We’ll talk about the transformation you’re hoping to make and how counseling can help you reconnect with who you truly are. You can also explore my-Is This Right for You? page, to see if we’d be a good fit.
Or if you want to explore things on your own, I’ve created a free guide for you: Rewrite Your Subconscious Beliefs Workbook. This guide is a starting point to help you strategically shift the beliefs that may cause you to get in your own way.
And remember, you are entitled to a life where you’re not just coping. You are worthy of living a life that truly lights you up!
Becca ✨
