Lost Yourself in People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a term that we hear often these days and is defined as “a behavioral pattern of habitually prioritizing others’ needs, emotions, and opinions over one’s own, often driven by a fear of conflict, rejection, or a need for validation.”

Many people learn this pattern in childhood, especially if they grew up with adults that could be unpredictable or explosive. People-pleasing evolved as a strategy to cope with this unpredictability.

You (and your nervous system) may have learned if you could anticipate your parent’s reactions that they would be less likely to have a big reaction, so you learned to focus more on their experience than your own.

But Then You Lost Yourself. 

The more you focus on others, the less you focus on yourself. Over time, this causes you to become disconnected from your own internal experience.

That disconnect can make it hard to make your own decisions. You might find yourself second guessing your choices or over-analyzing the options before you finally make a commitment. Even after you make a commitment, you continue to question whether it was the right one.   

Five Signs Your Disconnected:

All of these can be indicators that you are experiencing a disconnect from part(s) of you. You may experience some or all of them.

(1) Never Experiencing Anger.

Anger is a natural emotion. It comes up when someone crosses your boundaries. If you never consciously feel angry, you’re probably disconnected from the part of you that does. That part of you is often the part that knows you deserve to be treated with respect.

(2) Frequently Worrying.

Anxiety is the norm for you. You’re constantly focused on whether others are feeling okay and what their perception is of you. You can easily become preoccupied with their experience without even realizing that you’re neglecting your own.

(3) Not Knowing What You Want.

If you often feel confused about what you want from life and have a hard time making decisions, this indicates you don’t trust yourself. Before you can trust yourself, you have to prove to yourself that you are reliable and trustworthy. If you’re disconnected, you haven’t had an opportunity to prove this to yourself yet.

(4) Not Knowing Who You Are.

You may feel confused about who you actually are as a person because you don’t actually know yourself yet. You may notice this when you’re around different people and your opinions or style shifts based on which group, you’re currently around. You shift roles like a chameleon shifts colors.

(5) Chronic State of Emptiness. 

You go through the motions of life, but feel empty on the inside. It feels like something is missing, but you don’t know what it is or how to fix it.

The thing that is missing is your connection to yourself.

Finding Yourself Again. 

Before you can really know yourself, you have to find out what parts of you are missing. What parts of yourself do you reject? What parts do you experience shame around? What parts do you not like? What parts do you worry are unlovable? 

These are the parts that often hold the clues to who you really are. The most vulnerable, but also the most precious parts of you. The parts of you that are desperate for your own love and attention.

How Therapy for Women Can Help. 

Working with a therapist for women can help you (re)connect to the parts of you that are missing. It can help you to understand yourself at a deeper level and feel safe enough to show up authentically as yourself. If you have questions about counseling for women or would like to book a session with me, please use the Contact Me button below.